Tuesday, February 17, 2009

I do not have the answers but I have some advice.

I wish I had the answer to this whole dialogue on how to prevent domestic violence. Every since the allegations about Chris Brown hitting Rihanna it seems that it is all everyone wants to talk about.
I do know one thing this “cause of the month “will be swept under the rug until the next celebrity fiasco. However those who are going thru domestic violence right now do not have the advantage of sweeping it under the rug and as sure as I write this blog someone right now is frightened for his or her life because a lover/ wife/husband/friend is on their way home. I am a survivor of domestic abuse I was never hit but I was verbally abused. Things were said to me that still hurt me to this day, but I thank God and I got thur it and i got our of it , everyone is not so lucky.

Recently I was on a panel about emotional abuse and was asked if I could give young women five pieces of advice before entering into a relationship with someone what would it be. Here goes:

1) Be secure in yourself-Of course not all of us are 100% sure all of time. But it is important to know who you and who you belong to. God entrusted your heart to you take care of it, it is important to do so. Proverbs 4:23Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life.

2) When people tell you who they are BELIEVE THEM –Maya Angelou. When I went out with my ex on the second date he told me and I quote “ I have a whole dark side and you don’t bring that out in me.” HMMMMMM! I should have gotten out of the car and walked home even thourgh I was in Atlantic City. So often folks tell on themselves, and they are usually telling the truth.

3) If he or she talks bad about every person they have ever been with take that as a hint. The only common denominator In all of those relationships is them. Hence the problem

4) If that person goes around telling you how great they are all the time and have to put other folks down to do so run. If they are so great their actions will dictate that.

5) If that person shows any side of anger to ther kids, thier family, co-workers etc… take that as a sign that you are next. Behavior all behavior is consistent.

Those are my rules I tell young sisters and brothers all the time And believe me it is not just what I preach it is what practice.


Kisha said...

Kim, these are great points. I in particular love #2. Every time I've ignored that one it's come back to bite me. In a time when so many of our young women and girls aren't being taught self-respect and find their esteem in how others treat them instead of in how they treat themselves, these are more important than ever.

Jocelyn Andersen said...

That is solid advice Sistagirl, I have been through the fire and by the grace of God lived to tell about it.

~jocelyn andersen, Author of Woman Submit! Christians & Domestic Violence


Waneta Dawn said...

Thanks for addressing this issue, Sista Girl! I taught a mens group through the batterers education program a number of years ago. A few men actually got it, some only temporarily.

We used the curriculum out of Duluth Mn, which taught the 2 main beliefs the men have that gives them permission to abuse: entitlement, and disrespect.

As a society men have been trained for years to to think they are the gender who should have things their way, who should have power over others. (This last part is really important, because some men abuse just for the power-over. They are already getting their way and that is not enough to meet their insatiable lust for power.) They have been taught to disregard what women say, and to disrespect women in any way they can, to think of themselves first, middle, and last. The sitcoms indicate this disrespect is alive and well today. (Everybody loves Ray, Two and a half Men for example).

It will likely take years to change this attitude of self-centeredness and male-power so prevalent in men today. But the more people who respectfully refuse to tolerate the disrespect toward women, who refuse to adopt the husband is the authority rule, and who teach an emphasis on husband self-sacrifice for your wives, no matter what, the sooner the societal beliefs against women will change.

It would seem to me that churches should be on the front lines of instigating this attitude change, because both Jesus and Paul taught it. Although Paul told wives to submit in everything, it is the church that added "no matter what." Notice that Paul told husbands to love self-sacrificially as Jesus did. Jesus ALWAYS loved self-sacrificially, so the husbands should also have the "no matter what" rule. The result would be a wife submitting to a husband who is sacrificing his own preferences for her sake. Paul Hegstrom, author of "Angry men, and the women who love them" is right, the requirement on the husbands is much greater than on the wives.

coleman53 said...

Hi Kim:
I finally found your blog and the advise you give is very important and very wise. Men and women relationship are very complex and complicated but it requires not only love but respect a relationship without respect for each other is no relationship. I have been in a loving and respectful relationship for 43 years of course it has not been smooth all the time but I have demanded and received respect. Keep up the good work and I hope this domestic violence incident will create a climate for needed and serious discussions about domestic violence.
Mom C in Az